Fond Farewells

Funerals and memorials can be extremely difficult to dress for.  It’s not so difficult if you have an office job, because you probably have some appropriately coloured (black, navy, darker brown or grey) clothing, in reasonably understated styles, but what if you don’t?

The main difficulty with funerals is that they tend to crop up reasonably unexpectedly, and you often don’t have too long to think about what to wear.  Then there’s the matter of what is and isn’t appropriate.

As a general rule, the following tips apply:
Darker clothing is generally best, unless the family of the deceased stipulate otherwise.  Though it is becoming more popular for the funeral dress code to include brighter shades (especially if the deceased is quite young) or perhaps their favourite colour, unless you’ve been told otherwise, err on the side of traditional.

Don’t be afraid to ask what is and isn’t appropriate. When an older person dies, generally, everybody understands the dress code, but when younger people pass away, it can be a completely different matter. All too often, the friends of a younger person might feel that wearing brightly coloured clothing, or outfits that reflect some aspect of the deceased’s life (for example, the colours of a much loved sporting team, or pink for a victim of breast cancer), can be a great way of honouring that person’s memory.  That may well be true, but ask first, or run the risk of further upsetting those close to him or her.  It can be so, so tempting to believe that you know what your friend would have wanted, or gotten a kick out of, but save that for some other function in their honour.  Perhaps a less formal memorial to mark an anniversary, or a wake / sharing of memories celebration that may be held at a later time.

If the service is in a church or temple, no bare shoulders.

Don’t over dress. If you didn’t know the deceased very well (say they’re the family member of a friend, or a friend of one of your friends or family members), don’t go crazy with the ‘black widow’ look.  So, no hats (unless it’s to protect you from the sun at a burial), no full Victorian widow’s weeds style outfits, and definitely nothing that’s going to make you look like a distressed dominatrix.  In this respect, funerals are like Hollywood movies – those who are in the supporting roles generally get the simpler costumes!

Don’t under dress.  This can be one of the greatest difficulties of funeral dressing.  Thought the modern day funeral is often described as a ‘celebration of life’, it pays to remember that the family of the deceased probably don’t quite view it that way, and may be offended by the presence of jeans, T-shirts (especially those with slogans on them), and anything else that isn’t a little subdued. If your wardrobe simply doesn’t contain anything that is ‘officey’ then it is better to wear whatever lighter coloured clothing that you may have in a subdued style, than less formal, darker clothes.

Be aware of cultural stipulations.  For example, some Asian cultures only wear white to funerals, and in fact, view any red clothing as an insult as it signifies celebration.

If you’re going to wear mascara, make sure it’s waterproof.  Even though you may not be that close to the person who died, funerals can be quite emotional.  Something may remind you of a the funeral of somebody who you were close to, or perhaps the distress of those who were close to the deceased might set you off. Either way, mascara ‘spiders’ making their way down your face will only add an unwelcome Alice Cooper-ish, gothic touch to already difficult proceedings.

Sensible shoes.  I’m not talking about lace-up brogues or slip-on Hush Puppies, but I am talking about shoes that you can stand in for up to an hour or more.  This is particularly important if you are not terribly close to the deceased, and the funeral is heavily attended, as you may find yourself standing at the back of the chapel throughout the service.  Trust me, no matter how comfortable you generally are about taking your shoes off when the pain gets too much, it’s a very difficult thing to do at a funeral without attracting disapproving looks.  Obviously, if you are to be attending an outdoor burial, spike heels will ensure that the deceased isn’t the only person sinking into the ground.

If in doubt, always lean towards being cautious. It is invariably better to feel slightly overdressed than be under dressed.

The ‘nothing too’ rule.  That is, nothing too tight, nothing too plunging, nothing too sparkly, nothing too short, nothing too ostentatious.

And don’t forget, you can always Ask Bronny!