Fashion Tragics

I'm going to put something out there. Make sure you are sitting down; this may be a bit of a bombshell. Here goes… Just because something is fashionable doesn't mean that you have to wear it. Or that you should even consider it.

All women are made equal; yet not all women are made up of equal parts. While a minority of the population are shaped like bookmarks, some of us are curvy "in all the right places." Unfortunately some of the current trends are designed for people whose curves belong in other places. Or nowhere at all. Universal distinction in skin colour, hair colour, height, weight, shape, age and lifestyle means that what may be hot for some, may just rot for others.

Unfortunately, many women believe that if they fail to embrace the 'it' dress or the 'so-hot-it's-dangerous' trouser design, that they will be relegated to the pit of the outdated. These poor fashion troopers will risk paralysis of the thigh, generous exposure of the bottom or terminal chafing just to be considered fashionable. Like the great relationship adage "he's just not that into you", the hard truth of high fashion might be "it just doesn’t look that great on you." The fact is, ladies, you may be trendy, but you also may just look plain ridiculous.     

And it's not just unflattering ensembles, there are also many women out there trying to get too much of a good thing. Just think of Eddy from Absolutely Fabulous. Too much money and no sense at all, Eddy believed in donning as many expensive and contrasting labels at the same time signified a dignified fashion taste. Think the latest Gucci and Prada and Lacroix and Jean Paul Gautier and Versace, all lumped together. The result: fashion tragedy. A horrific regurgitation of ill-fitting and unflattering garments designed for someone half her age and a quarter of her size.

You may say "Oh, I’m not like that at all." Oh, Really? How many pieces of the Stella McCartney Target collection do you have on today, hmm? How many times have you brought a high fashion article at a great price, even though it was basically revolting and made you look like a corpse?

Many of us have had Fashion Tragic moments. My most recent dalliance was late last year, when those fantastic, thick blunt fringes were making a comeback. Lily Allen, Nelly Furtado, Jessica Alba – they all looked great with their dramatic vampish bangs. However, on me it was less Bettie Page than it was Ugly Betty. Yup, it looked truly abysmal. So I have had to suffer with that long process of growing out an unsuccessful fringe - a frustrating and painful journey - and now hopefully I have learnt my lesson. But I doubt it.

Fashion Tragics can also be obsessed with a certain genre or style of dress. We all remember the label-bashers at school, those style savvy teens who wore entire outfits advertising one hot designer; usually unsubtle surf labels or a popular chain. Those teenagers who take on the whole 'Goth' look often tend to embrace it to the extent that they end up looking like hilarious caricatures of real Goths. Many adults follow the same sad obsession with a certain look. Too much 'Boho' chic can be more like 'Hobo' chic. Too much animal print can border on modern cave-woman.

The contemporary fusion of so many past fashion phases means that you can take elements of one style and mix it with another, without looking like you are going to a costume party. If you have something you really love, you should try to make it the most important part of your outfit and not try to combine it with everything else you love. Remember, less is more.

The flipside are those fashion tragics who combine a hot purchase with sad old has-beens. Pink velour tracksuits with a Gucci bag, anyone? Rod Stewart said it best when he advised to “wear it well” – or not at all. 
 
This season there are two 'hot' fashion looks that I won't be embracing. The first is the turtleneck. I have an allergy to wool, which means that I can’t wear it directly against my skin. I also get really irritated by anything really tight around my throat. If I was to wear a turtleneck, even if it wasn’t wool, I would be itching myself into an angry stupor until I became a genuine 'redneck'. Not a good look.

The other fad I won’t be taking on is that cheeky little mustard yellow colour popping up all over the place. For one thing, when I had my 'colours done' [in the nineties when it was really cool] I was diagnosed as a 'spring', meaning that I should avoid most warm-toned colours. The other reason is that I believe that colour belongs only to science teacher’s trousers or vegemite labels. But each to their own.  

We all have past fashion choices in our own personal hall of shame. More then likely, you will make more tragic choices in the future. Try to be honest with yourself. Nobody should pressure you to buy something because everyone who is anyone is wearing it. If you don't like it, you don't need it. There are too many fashion clones out there anyway. But if you are going to get yourself into those great little smock dresses this season I have one major piece of advice: wear sturdy underwear.

Don't forget you can always AskBronny if you have a fashion question!

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