Cruel Fashion Accessories |
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| Written by Nicola Hyland | |
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You ain't nothin' but a hound dog – for thinking your pet is a hot accessory! AskBronny pleads: let the dogs out and end this trend forever!
Sick of having to wipe the pooh off your wallet? Perhaps you should think of embracing another fad, instead of the brutally uncool tiny-dog-in-a-handbag gig. That's right fashionistas – a cute little hand-held pup is not the coolest accessory; it's the cruellest. A fad attributed to the soon-to-be-incarcerated Paris "That’s Hot" Hilton, the miniature dog clad in Gucci [or 'Poochi'] is rapidly becoming more passé then the bubble skirt. Now the only excuse for having an animal in a matching cutesy outfit traipse around with you to public events is if you are Strawberry Shortcake. "But they're just soooooo adorable!" you cry, as your little pug humps your leg frantically. Yes, that may be true. Yet there are so many reasons why this fashion phenomenon is more wrong then socks and sandals. The Toy Dog Perhaps the most ill-thought branding ever, the 'toy' dog is in fact not a toy at all, but a real, living canine. The term is used to refer to any dog which is particularly small as a full-sized adult. Breeds include the Pug, Papillion, Bichon Frise, Yorkshire terrier and - of course - the Chihuahua. Because of their size, these breeds are often known as accessory dogs, purely because they are too small to be anything but pets. The tiniest of the breeds are the sought-after 'teacups' and many hapless dog owners have forked out thousands of dollars on pups which are in fact the 'runts' of regular sized toy dogs. Admittedly, these wee gems are pretty cute. They become like interim children to many girls, who love little 'Tiffany' more then their I-pods and cell-phones put together. As well as dressing themselves to the nines, fashion lovers can also clad their pets in the hottest rags in town. Yup - now accessory dogs had accessories themselves: from sports tops, to seasonal costumes, jeans, jumpers and even pyjamas, for those lazy days. However, most of these tiny dogs come with additional burdens. Chihuahuas are notoriously high-strung and fiercely loyal, to the point where the jealousy of their owner's human relationships can cause major rifts. These breeds also have enormous health issues; from genetic abnormalities, breathing problems, heart troubles and, significantly, major dietary limitations. They don't tend to live long, they demand a lot of time with a vet and are more high maintenance then most six-year old children. Plus they are awfully easy to lose, stand on and drop… Tinkerbell versus Bambi Officially in the Guinness book of Records as 'The Most Over-rated Celebrity', I have a problem aligning Paris Hilton with anything to do with fashion; along with allegedly contributing to Britney's breakdown, Nicole's skeletal frame and Lindsay's trips to AA. Paris is also responsible for thousands of equally 'simple' girls thinking that it’s hot to have a dog in your bag. The most famous teacup in the world, 'Tinkerbell' Hilton used to join her flammable owner at the opening of every envelope in Hollywood. Always clad in matching Louis Vuitton, Chanel and diamonds, Tinkerbell was the belle of all bitches. Imagine how she enjoyed her little self - hounded by paparazzi, almost drowning in champagne cocktails and lost in the dunny of an exclusive party Paris wasn't even invited to. Shockwaves rippled through Hollywood when it was discovered that Tinkerbell had been dog-napped – and she was naked!!! After a major reward was offered up and a full scale search undertaken, the poor pooch was finally found (apparently in an ugg-boot). Scandal hit soon after when it was revealed that Tinkerbell (author of 'The Tinkerbell Diaries') had been traded in for the smaller, cuter 'Bambi'. Reliable source said "Paris only likes them when they’re very small" (guys take heart everywhere). After being accused of all sorts of animal cruelty, Paris makes an appearance with the seasoned Tink at several Z grade parties and everything is right with the world again. Bless. That's Not Hot: Celebrity Perpetrators Paris is not alone. Other Celebs who think it is okay to drag your hound about town as you drink, snort and canoodle with every Tom, Dick and Justin in town include Jessica Simpson with 'Daisy', Nicole Ritchie with 'Honey Child', Hilary Duff with 'Lola' and Ashlee Simpson with 'Blondie'. Britney (you knew I'd get to her) started an all-out war with Ms H when she went dissin' her dog, saying: "My dogs [Lacy Loo, Bit Bit and Lucky] are stylin' and profilin' because Von Dutch just sent them the coolest little clothes. I think my dogs are so much cuter than Tinkerbell". Perhaps even worse dog-owners are the entire Osbourne family. These people can't even look after themselves! How is it cool to have constant piles and puddles scattered all over the mansion? Ew! That's Hot: Celebrity Celebrators Then there are the responsible, healthy dog-loving celebrities. Jennifer Aniston is continually pictured taking her hound 'Norman' for long runs along the beach. Jake Gylenhall (sigh), who smooches his handsome German Shepherd 'Atticus' in the park the way you wish he'd slobber over you [Jake, that is.] The coolest celebrity pet-owner of all is Mr George Clooney, who recently faced the passing of his treasured pet, a pot-bellied pig. It could be worse… This young couple who lived in the apartment next to ours used to take their cat for a walk on a leash. Later the cat loitered on the balcony, contemplating suicide. I went to the beach once and saw this mother of two with a ferret on a leash at the beach. I also knew this guy with a nail in his chin who had liberated a lab rat and took it everywhere with him. Rampaging gorillas? Orphaned polar bears? These are all examples of the worst accessory pets. Moral of the Story is that a dog in your Chloe bag is not fashion – it's trash-on. Who let the dogs out? You: right now! |
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