| Shoe Suicide |
| Written by Jane Stabler | |
|
It seems impossible. For those of us who love shoes, the thought that someone could dare to make a ridiculous pair, and on purpose, is blasphemy.
It is almost like they are mocking those of us with an obsession, and such sacrilege should not be tolerated. AskBronny has scoured the streets to expose these wicked soles and bring you the hit list of shoes to avoid! TIP: Click on the title for a picture of the shoe! Waders Have you ever seen anything like these? Ladies, for years we have avoided situations where we could possibly get our fantastic shoes wet unexpectedly, get dirty unexpectedly, and of course unexpectedly bump into our exes not looking like a supermodel. So what on earth were the designers of the waders thinking? That now when it rains, the tradition of men putting coats over puddles is no longer necessary? That a girl in a fabulous Dolce & Gabbana dress will just hike up her skirt and plodge through the water? Me thinketh not! These shoes are an outrage and should be banned immediately. Crocs Who on earth thought these were a good idea? AskBronny has warned readers off these shoes many, many times, and yet I still see them everywhere. Something about these Swiss cheese looking Smurf shoes has caught the imagination of the nation and they are everywhere I look. So I look away. And still I see more. Flats are in! Round toes, peep toes, ballet style, there has never been more range and choice when it comes to flats. Flats are comfortable, you can walk surprising distances in them, and they suit almost everyone. So why the Crocs?? If you have even contemplated the Croc, don’t admit it to anyone and get your otherwise fashionable ass to the flats display immediately. Vintage shoes (don’t freak out, I only mean some!) Having the slight shoe obsession that I do means I was given a shoe calendar for Christmas. Wonderful present, a new pair of shoes every day in addition to the ones I can actually wear. What was unexpected about this calendar is the number of outrageous shoes that have made it into production over the years. Let me detail a few for you, so you see what I mean. August 2: sandal from 1969 constructed from braided hair. Yes, hair. Not okay. 26 May: ankle boot from the 1980s with goose appliqué. Yes, geese. Five of them. 29 May: court shoe by Tokio Kumagai in 1989 called “Lipstick and pigtails”. I am sure the visuals you are getting are as hideous as the shoe itself, as it really does have pigtails and a whopping great mouth. Now, without a doubt, some of the people investing the time and resources to create these monstrosities parading as footwear were serious. As I am sure some of the people keeping these inventors in business actually like the shoes discussed. But that does not make it acceptable for you, Miss Fashionista, to own a pair. Should you have already crossed to the dark side and recognise any of the above as your own, I expect you to exercise one of the two options you have. 1. From this point onwards claim they are your ex-best friend’s shoes and she left them at your house to create fashion hell for you. Or 2. Move to Outer Mongolia where your footwear will be the least of your concerns. Other than that, there are no acceptable excuses. Shoes are one of the few ways to bring bliss to every day. Feet, for the most part, are pretty wrong, and there is no acceptable reason to make them look even worse. Shoes are meant to bring joy, and looks of envy. Looks of disbelief are not what we want ladies! So, in the interests of your little feet which can’t speak up for themselves, avoid the above shoe suicide at all costs. Because thinking your feet wouldn’t be asking for Manolos is a complete Croc. |
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