Sprung Bad At The Track!

Now I have to be honest and say that I don’t actually adore the Spring Racing Carnival. Oh, I know, I know, it’s a chance to get dolled up, an opportunity to wear a hat, and a time to have a flutter (and not just your eyelashes).  But somehow, it never quite works for me.

Melbourne Cup Day and Oaks Day, in particular, bring out my (not-so-inner) old-fashioned girl in the absolute worst way.  I look on, all shuddering horror and gasping shock, at the fashion fatalities that seem to prevail at every available racetrack.

“How can she?”, I think, when beholding a pale pink dress, and dyed to match shoes, worn with black stockings?  What could the woman in the peach coloured ‘mother of the bride’ style outfit, teamed with a forest green straw cartwheel hat possibly be thinking?  And as for the girl wearing the J.Lo style very mini dress with the neckline that plunges to her navel, accessorised with a deep orange solarium tan and a can of UDL scotch & cola at ten o’clock in the morning…well, words fail me.

So, how best to avoid crossing the short divide between ‘fashions in the field’ and ‘racetrack revolting’?

1. Less is More
Some times the best glamour is the understated type.  A pretty shift dress, with a beautifully trimmed hat or well made fascinator in either matching or complimentary colours will always will out over absolutely anything that you would wear to a nightclub.  Stylishly chic and pretty are definitely the order of the day.

2. Keep Hats to a Minimum Circumference
No hat should ever, ever be wider than your shoulders. No exceptions.  Leave the sombreros to their traditional owners.

3. Select Suitable Hosiery
Any dark coloured dress or skirt will generally need to be worn with sheer black stockings, no matter how evenly your tan may be applied.  Similarly, pale coloured frocks need lightly tanned legs, very nude sheer stockings, or perhaps, flesh coloured fishnets.   Do bear in mind, though, that if your hoping to score a ‘Fashions In The Field’ commendation, you will need to be wearing hosiery, as it’s generally one of the stipulations that the judges work off .No outfit (unless it belongs to a geisha or a regency gentleman) needs white tights, and only the shapeliest legs, and the most particular outfit, can get away with patterned hosiery.  Similarly, white shoes are best left to brides.

4. Avoid Wearing Spindly Spike Heels
Although nothing makes the female leg look shapelier than a stiletto, it is a sad fact that nothing will ruin a shoe or make you look less graceful than having your heels constantly sinking into the turf.

5. Mix & Match Carefully
One of the greatest joys of the Spring is the way it lends itself to gorgeous colours; bountiful rich tones and pretty pastels; nothing will lift your look, or your mood, as quickly as lovely colours.  But beware! Just because it’s called a ‘carnival’, doesn’t mean you need to dress like a clown, so mix and match carefully!

6. Enjoy Yourself, But Be Dignified
Everybody loves a drop of champagne in the sunshine, but please try to avoid being the drunken girl, vomiting noisily into the nearest bin!

7. Watch The Wobble
When we think about formal daywear for the races, we need to consider the delicate topic of the wobble bot.  You know what I’m talking about – it’s the look that happens when a gel wears one of those new-fangled G-strings under a light skirt, dress or trousers.  It’s the look of the unsupported, ahem, wobbly bottom.  Now, a posterior with a bit of movement is nothing to be ashamed of (after all, we’ve all got one!), but, for the sake of elegance, they do look better encased in cotton lycra and elastic.  I can almost hear the cries of “But what about my visible panty line?”, but please, hear me out.  Well fitting knickers in a colour similar to your flesh tone or the clothes that you are wearing, should be impossible to detect under even the floatiest fabric.  And yet, the dreaded VPL caused by ill-fitting undies, is just as likely to occur with a G-string, the only difference is, that the G-string will also allow your skirt or trousers to highlight every single topographical detail of every single speck of cellulite or dimple that you have (and most of us have those, too).

No need to get cranky, I’m not suggesting that you go out and replace every single item of lingerie that you own with a drawer full of Cottontails full-briefs, but under clingy formalwear, more is definitely more!

8. Let Elegance Be Your Byword at all Times
And never be afraid to look astoundingly stylish. Keep your head held high, put your best foot forward, and be ready and willing to accept all compliments graciously.